Was watching CSI the other day. Like the way they clinically work with clues to nail down the murderer, but these days the show focuses more on the human aspect, am fine with showing the psyche of the murderer, but draw the line at a demure cop fluttering her eyelashes coyly at that special colleague - boy, that's not done. U have a show dedicated to murder, I expect murder, not two cops holding hands and exchanging sweet nothings over a cuppa. Give me a good corpse any day. Friend says i must be a psycho, actually me thinks he's convinced and wouldn't be surprised at all to hear that I've stabbed someone (I'd never shoot anybody, its too impersonal). Hell, there I go rambling agin, lady, stick to the story u set out to tell, dissecting your messed up head can wait another day.
Yeah, so this CSI episode had the cop failing to nab a murderer, which leads to a second murder. And so, the cop blames himself for the second one. He keeps muttering - But she didn't have to die.
What caught my attention was his superior's reply. Name was Langston, played by Laurence Fishburne (Morpheus to all:)
He says: I knew you were a fellow masochist. Tell me what your favorite form of self-flagellation is? I'll tell you what I like to do, get on the internet, go on a website, movie site, find my favorite movie of the moment. And then I like to read all the comments telling me why I'm wrong, have such terrible taste and when I really can't sleep, I like to sculpt orchids because it's the only thing that will silence the voices in my head.
Kind of echoed my thoughts that day. No, I don't go to a movie rating site (think that's a horrible idea), but for the past few months, I've been going through this cycle of playing replaying the sequence of events on and on and thinking that maybe if I'd acted in a certain way, things would have worked out differently. Why didn't I see it coming? Must have been blind. But could I have done something to avert it, wouldn't whatever happened have happened, no matter what. I am responsible for my actions and should take responsibility for the results, however good or bad they are, yes, but could I have done something to change the results. The voices in my head just don't go away, and I don't know how to sculpt orchids to silence 'em :)
Reminds me of an Aunt May line (in one of the Spiderman series). She summed it up aptly - If you've hurt someone, u begin by doing the most difficult thing, U forgive yourself. Extend that to if someone has hurt u, u do not go down the 'What If' route and hurt yourself even more. Try to move on. Life was meant to flow, not stagnate. Easier said than done :)
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